Fitting In: A Hobbit's Tale by Frodo Baggins
by Charlotte Parris
Summary: When Gandalf goofs up a time experiment, it sends the four hobbits and 7 other main characters to Charlotte, NC in 2003, the height of Lord of the Rings mayhem. Will they survive fitting in? Or will they finally crack?
1. Prologue

Fitting In

A Hobbit's Tale by Frodo Baggins

The Prologue

Well, I suppose I should start at the beginning. Not the very beginning, just the part where the weird stuff starts to happen. That would be about one year after I destroyed the One Ring. I was thinking about going overseas with some elves, but first things first. Strider and his wife were having a wedding anniversary in Gondor. They had invited me and three mutual friends. I figured I'd like to see my old buddy again before I left, so I resolved to go. So did the others. Merry Brandybuck (he was my cousin on my mum's side), and Pippin Took (he was Merry's cousin on his father's side, and my 2nd cousin once removed, it's kinda weird, and I don't think about that too much). Oh yeah, my best friend Sam Gamgee came too. He's not related to me, he's my gardener. So we all got to Gondor for the party. Let's see…who was there? Well, Strider and Arwen for starters. Strider's real name was Aragorn Elessar, and he was kinda the king of almost all Middle-Earth, but that didn't matter much in our friendship. Arwen used to be an elf. Actually, she's the daughter of Elrond Half-elven, who's a half elf, so I guess that makes her a quarter-elf. Well, her mother was full blood, so….GAH! Never mind. She married Strider, her childhood sweetheart, who's a man, right? So now she's a mortal lady. Back to my story! Her dad Elrond was there too, and her grandmother Galadriel. She's an elf, so she's old as dirt and still looks pretty. Sam thinks she's real beautiful. For an elf, that is. You know, golden hair, blue eyes, freaky mind powers, and the whole shebang. This other elf Legolas was there, he was a recent friend of mine as well. Uh….oh yes, King Éomer of Rohan came, and his sister Lady Éowyn, and her husband Faramir, who was Strider's steward. The most important person there was Gandalf the White. Not important as in really special, which he was, but essential to the course that this story takes. He had been experimenting with the Time/Space Continuem, which wasn't exactly a good idea. So he decided to show a few of us a little demonstration. The few being me, Sam, Merry, Pippin, Strider, Arwen, Éomer, Éowyn, Faramir, and Galadriel. Elrond wasn't there, and that's important.

So Gandalf (being a wizard) did a little mumbo-jumbo dance and waved his staff around for a bit. Then all of a sudden,

KABOOOM!

"WHITE LIGHT! WHITE LIGHT! GAHH!"

I shouted as everything turned bright white and started spinning. Then…I blacked out.


	2. Chapter 1: Surviving the First Day

Chapter One

"Master Frodo! Master Frodo, wake up!" Sam wailed.

I opened my eyes, slightly afraid to see what on earth had happened. Everyone was standing (except me, I was laying down) in the middle of a very large field made of a blackish, burning hot substance with white and yellow lines painted on it.

"Ow! It burns!" I yelped, jumping up. Sam nodded.

"Yep, we all figured that out a few minutes ago."

"So how long have I been unconscious?" I asked.

"Not very long, just enough for us to take in our strange surroundings." Legolas answered.

"We seem to be in an advanced civilization of some sort." Strider added.

"How advanced?" I pressed, afraid of the answer.

"Really advanced!" Pippin blurted out, "They can make carriages move without horses!"

"And make them go as fast as Shadowfax on this black stuff!" Merry cut in.

"No, faster than Shadowfax, and I should know!" Pippin said.

"What! Who can?"

"The humans!" they both said together.

Galadriel nodded.

"It seems us elves were right when we thought the world would end up being ruled by them."

"But what about hobbits!" I screamed, panicking.

Legolas sighed.

"Frodo, Frodo, Frodo. There comes a point in everyone's life when they finally see that the world doesn't revolve around them. Strider has yet to find that out, but—"

"Hold on, what did you just say?" Strider cut in angrily.

"Uh…nothing. Nothing at all, _mellon nin_." Legolas grinned cheekily. I sighed and shook my head.

"I'm hot." I said, trying to change the subject.

"Me too!" Pippin said, not liking to be overlooked, "And I'm hungry!"

"I suppose we should look for an inn somewhere." Éomer said.

"Alright, but we all have to stay together," Strider finally decided, "This place could be dangerous, especially for the elves and hobbits."

So we all started out looking for an inn. At first, we couldn't find one. It was probably because all of the inns were now called hotels. We didn't know that back then. Thankfully, the common tongue was still common, and we found a nice place called Ramada Inn that didn't accept our coins, most likely because they were outdated. So Strider found a guy who called himself a "Coin-Collector". He bought all of our coins, and gave us a LOT of green paper instead. Pippin thought we were cheated, but the people at Ramada took a few pieces and let us in. Obviously, the paper was the currency of this place, and we had just become billionaires for some reason.

We got a lot of stares on our way to our room, probably because no one had seen elves or hobbits around for a trillion years or something. Sam grabbed a bunch of little folded up papers in the grand foyer and started to read them.

"It looks like we're in the northern part of the kingdom Carolina, in a city called Charlotte."

"Is there a king we can talk to?" Merry asked hopefully.

"I think he lives a few leagues off in a place called King's Mountain. At any rate, this isn't the capital city." Sam continued.

"Not the capital?" Merry and Pippin yelled in disbelief.

"But it's so big!" Pippin protested.

It was true. This city called Charlotte had enormously tall buildings made out of some sort of metal, and all sorts of people and horseless carriages and dogs and it went on and on and on! It gave me a headache.

"Well," Sam said, "I'll need to do a bit more reading, but it is to be hypothesized that all cities are either this big or bigger."

I didn't like the ominous tone of his voice. Or his sudden change from gardener to a smart expert on our currant time.

"So, what age is this?" Legolas asked.

"Uh…" Sam said, flipping through the paper, "I think they go by Shire reckoning now. Sorry Legs."

"What?" Legolas shouted indignantly, grabbing the paper from Sam and looking at it.

"Wednesday, September 22, 2003?" What sort of joke is this?"

"Hey, what do you know? Happy birthday Frodo!" Pippin cried cheerfully, "Let's have a party!"

"But it isn't my birthday!" I contradicted, "It's Strider and Lady Arwen's anniversary!"

"Not anymore," Strider said, "We went forward in time, remember? So now it's your birthday."

I had to ask the dreaded question.  
"How old am I?"

"Probably as old as Galadriel." Merry said solemnly.

Oh great, I thought, now I'm a walking artifact! That stinks.

"Well, most likely no one remembers me and all I did for Middle-Earth back in the olden days." I said. Merry shook his head.

"No Frodo. I think you're still famous. Look!"

And there it was, a little card next to this black box on the dresser. It said

'local listings'. I didn't know what that meant. I did know what the words below it meant!

"The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, airing Friday the 24th on ABC." I read. Right below it, oddly enough, was a very scary thing. It was scarier than scary, actually. It was a picture of us. It wasn't all of us, and definitely not our authentically real selves, but a bunch of actors dressed up to represent us.

"I wonder what one's me?" I asked in a very small voice.

"I'm guessing the one with the gold ring." Sam said, full of awe.

"Oh, and I guess those three smaller guys in the far corner are supposed to be us?" Pippin asked haughtily.

"Yep, I think so." Merry answered.

"How come Frodo's picture is so big? He didn't do anything so incredibly amazing, and if he did, it isn't as if he did it alone!" Pippin cried, deeply wounded. I sighed.

"Pippin, Pippin, Pippin," I said, putting my arm around his shoulder, "There comes a point in everyone's life when they finally see that the world doesn't revolve around them."

"Oh, and it DOES revolve around you, I suppose!" Pippin fired back.  
"Hey hobbits!" Éowyn said before things got bloody, "it doesn't matter, we're all technically dead anyway."

That silenced us. It felt weird, being dead. It was like you hadn't a life anymore. Probably because you didn't. You were like George Bailey. Wait, did I just say George Bailey? Well, I'd better make something clear. This has already happened to me, so if I make comparisons with things in the future that a hobbit wouldn't normally know about, don't take any heed. The point was, I was dead, and yet, I was alive. And I was famous. I was so famous that guys dressed up like me and posed for pictures. I found out that the pictures actually moved inside the black box later on that night. It was scary, like a portal to the non-existant. People had depicted our entire story, without even being there! It weirded me out big time! Galadriel sensed how traumatized us hobbits were, and told us to get some sleep. We did, but only after hunting around for the chamber pot. Pippin found it first. It was pretty, and had its own separate room. Very clean, actually, and it didn't smell. That was good. It took us a while to figure out how to operate it, but we finally got it working. By then we had forgotten about sleep, and had moved on to the bath. It was big, and you could control the temperature by twisting a little button, and get the water out by pulling a plug thing out. Sam said that the water might have gone down to the room below us, and we would get thrown out, but nothing happened, and so we took a really fun bath. Then we went to sleep. The beds were really comfy. I had a feeling the future might not be that horrible after all. I mean, the chamber pot and the bathtub took care of themselves, so how hard could this be?


	3. Chapter 2: The Hobbits Go Shopping

Chapter Two

" I wanted the white snowy bread!" Pippin yelled at the breakfast table the next morning.

"I got it first." Sam said quietly, taking a bite of what was commonly known as a 'powdered donut'.

I sighed and continued eating my more familiar dish of sausage and eggs.

"Hey Frodo, looky what I got!" Merry called cheerfully, coming toward us. Several people turned around.

Oh great, I thought, now my name's so famous that I can't even use it anymore!

"Hey, quit saying my name so loud!" I hissed to cousin Merry.

"Oh yeah, you're famous now, I forgot." Merry giggled.

"This isn't a joke, Merry." Sam whispered harshly, "He's not the only one with name troubles. We are all so famous, that whenever someone hears our names, they immediately will think something's up, especially since we are so obviously hobbits!"

"Oh, so we're famous, but no one's named their kids after us yet?" Pippin asked, stealing Sam's donut and taking a bite without the latter noticing.

"No, we're so famous that our names are irreplaceable. In fact, the only name that can be used is mine." Sam finished.

"What? Why?" Merry asked.

Sam held up a book of baby names.

"Where did you get that?" I demanded.

"Arwen. Now, it turns out that the name 'Sam' can be short for a futuristic name 'Samuel', or even a girl's name, 'Samantha'. So if I say my name is Sam, everyone will think it's normal."

"But what about us?" Merry asked.

"Well, Merry sounds a lot like the name Murray, which is somewhat unusual, but acceptable nonetheless. Frodo isn't gonna cut it though, and neither is Pippin. So you'll have to choose new names."

He handed us the book.

"Have fun." he said, "give the book to the others when you're done, they need it too. Hey…who ate my snowy bread?"

"Not me." said Pippin, wiping his mouth with his sleeve. Sam folded his arms.

"Fool of a Took." He muttered, and went to tell Strider about it.

"Well, " I said, "these names are all very fine, but I liked my old name."  
"Oh don't worry, this is only temporary anyway." Pippin stated, "so how about Nick? Nicky? Nicholas?"

"What was that last one?" I asked.

"Uh, I can't pronounce it more than once. Sorry." He acknowledged.

I shook my head.

"Alright then. Nick. Short and sweet. Like a candied nut. How about you?"

"Freddie, short for Fred."

"Wait, how can you be a long name short for a short name?"

"Beats me." Pippin shrugged.

Just then, Strider came over.

"Pippin, did you take Sam's…er…snowbread?"

"Who me?" Pippin replied innocently.

"We have alias's now," I said, "I'm Nick and he's Freddie."

"Nice. Look, you guys look a lot like kids, remember?"

"How could I forget?" Pippin said glumly.

"Yes, well, I figure you could disguise yourselves as boys for the time being. There's an indoor marketplace across the street. Arwen said she'd take you hobbits there and get you modernized. She's also wanting to do herself, so…just don't let her do anything too horrendous."

"Okay, just as long as she doesn't shave our feet." I replied through my last bite of eggs. Strider smiled. He had a nice smile, just thought I'd mention that.

A moment later, us four hobbits and Arwen were walking through the indoor marketplace (a.k.a. Concord Mills Mall) and went into the clothing store. It was rather…interesting. The first thing she did was to pick out some shoes for us.

"What are you doing?" Pippin screamed.

"Don't you think the hairy feet are kind of a dead giveaway?" she answered, throwing him a packet of socks.

"I suppose that shoes are a necessity to our survival." Sam said, choosing some sneakers. I gritted my teeth and did the same. Merry and Pippin were still not too sure about it, but they took some nonetheless.

"Besides," Arwen comforted, "they're only to be worn outdoors and in public. Now, let's see how these clothes fit you."

"Hey looky looky!" Merry called, "it's a Frodo shirt! I want one of those!"

Oh brother, I thought, they have clothes about me too?

"Only if it truly fits, Murray." Arwen called, already getting used to our new names.

We got a bunch of stuff at that store, even sunglasses and blue hard pants (blue jeans). We paid for our new clothes, then went to the dressing rooms and put them on. Unfortunately, that meant the shoes too. They weren't that bad, but they did sort of pinch. Arwen said that was normal.

Next, we went to a hair stylist. We were a bit nervous about having our hair cut, for some of the guys we saw walking around had pretty short hair! So we made Arwen go first. She got her hair cut to her shoulders, and then she dyed it. PINK!

Strider was gonna kill us!

I can't say it didn't look flattering on her, but still, pink hair? Pink flippy hair? Yes, it flipped out near the bottom. Pretty, huh? Well, anyway, I was next.

Why was I born the oldest? Why? Why?

"Don't cut it short!" I screamed.

They didn't, they just trimmed it up to look a little less hobbity.

Merry was next. He liked the idea of making hair a different color, so he dyed his hair black. It looked…weird.

Sam was next. His hair was already black, contrary to popular belief, so he left it that way. He did a little trim up.

Pippin wouldn't hold still, so we didn't cut his hair. Oh yes, Pippin's blond. That must answer a lot of questions.

As we were walking back to the hotel, I speedily thought up ways to tell Strider about Arwen's freaky haircut. Gee Strider, I tried to tell her, but she wouldn't listen? Hey Strider, she strapped me to the chair with her mind powers? Strider, I'm a helpless little hobbit! How was I supposed to do anything about it? Strider—

"Arwen, what did you do to your hair!" Legolas screamed in horror.

Strider came into the room. I gulped.

"Nice do!" Strider said.

"Yep, and the best part is, her dad doesn't know!" Pippin laughed.

There was a thud.

Legolas had fainted.

"Well, I guess we'd better take care of Legolas." Merry said, eyeing the fallen elf.

Strider and Arwen pushed him into the closet and shut the door.

"Why did you do that?" I said, folding my arms and trying to look taller.

"He…likes closets." Arwen replied. I rolled my eyes.

"Hey wait, where did Éomer and Éowyn go?" Merry cried. Being their esquire, he was, of course, the first to notice their absence.

"They went house-hunting with Faramir and Galadriel." Strider replied.

"A house? Why can't we just live here?" Pippin asked, plopping down on the bed.

"No one LIVES in hotels, Pippin!" Merry answered.

"So, I guess we have to get a pretty big house if we're gonna fit eleven people into it.

"Ten, Faramir's going to join the navy."

"Okay, that's a little weird." Sam commented.

"Weird, but we need a little income, and he is good at fighting." Strider acknowledged.

Just then, there was a knock on the door.

"I'll…get that." I said as everyone jumped into the closet with Legolas.

Phew! Just the others.

"Hey guys." I said, "Everyone, it's alright, you can come out of the closet now."

"Funny." Arwen said.

"Well, we got us a house." Éomer announced proudly.

"Yay!" Merry and Pippin cried, dancing around in a circle.

"Nice work Éomer." Strider said. Galadriel didn't say anything. She was staring at Arwen.

"Arwen Undómiel, your father is going to have a fit!" she yelled.

"Aw, come on Grandmother, it's modernized! Aragorn liked it!"

"Figures." She muttered, "well, what am I going to tell my son-in-law? His daughter's hair turned pink?"

"Yeah." She said, tossing it.

"Éomer, I…gotta go." Éowyn said, grabbing some money and running out the door to weird out her hair as well.

"Hey, come back! Éowyn!"

"Oh brother. This could be a long day." I said.

"What was that?" Legolas asked, finally awakened from his faint.

"Nothing."


	4. Chapter 3: The Hobbits' New House

Chapter Three

The next day, we took two yellow horseless carriages to our new home. Sam and I were a bit nervous about it not being a hobbit-hole. Pippin was rather excited about it being big, and Merry was looking forward to going shopping with Éowyn to buy furnishings for the place. Strider told us first thing that we four hobbits would have to share a room. I wouldn't have minded, but it was a known fact that Sam Gamgee was a notorious snorer. Is that even a word? It doesn't look like one, but the jiggly red lines don't appear under it, so I guess it is…oh yeah, back to the story. As I was saying, us hobbits had to share a room, and Sam snored. Pippin had a stash of Old Toby he keeps about his person at all times, so I was pretty sure the room would start to smell before long. Finally, we pulled up in front of this really big, cool house…with a ship on the roof.

"Hey, neat!" Merry shouted, "A ship! Just like on the Brandywine River!

"Yeah!" Pippin cheered.

"A…ship?" I faltered in disbelief.

Strider nodded.

"Yes, well, apparently it had an appearance on a show called Mary Poppins. Either that or Peter Pan. I can't remember which. Anyway, it has a cabin, and counts as a free extra suite. So…we'll let Legolas live up there."

Legolas did a double take.

"What?"

"Yes, you. Ship. Mesh."

"But Ara-I mean, King Elessar, I'm not too keen on heights!"

"Hey, you wanted to go overseas. On a ship. So here's the ship, and you can sort of atone for the overseas stuff until we get back. You can even sleep on deck, under the stars. It's good for you."

Legolas sighed.

"Well Frodo, do you want to see your room?" Strider asked me.

"Oh, yes." I said, not sure if I really did or not. I followed Sam and Strider upstairs, leaving Legolas to wallow in his grief.

Merry and Pippin were already sliding down the banisters, much to Galadriel's displeasure.

"You two better get upstairs, or I'll sizzle your brains to a fudgy brown fluid!" she threatened.

That did the trick.

Merry and Pippin ran upstairs, and Galadriel laughed.

"I see who's going to be the disciplinarian around here." Strider said. Sam and I followed Merry and Pippin to our new room. It was rather medium sized, with blue fish wallpaper and pink curtains.

PINK CURTAINS?

Oh boy, we were going to have to do something about that!

There was a balcony, which Pippin had already spotted and was leaning precariously over the edge of.

"Pippin, don't do that, you'll die!" I warned. Pippin shrugged and came back.

"We're…gonna…die." Merry moaned, feasting his eyes on the pink curtains.

"Fish? Interesting…." Sam mustered, taking in the wallpaper.

"Well, I'll be getting us some beds." Merry said, heading out the door to find Éowyn. Pippin and Sam proceeded to race from one wall to the other, and I went downstairs to see what the others had found.

Strider and Arwen had claimed the master bedroom, of course, and Éowyn and Faramir were rather upset about that. But seeing as Faramir was gonna be Mr. Navy for the rest of our stay here, I suppose it didn't matter.

Éowyn had to share a room with Éomer instead. Not that she didn't like her brother, she just wanted some privacy.

Galadriel got her own room. Figures. She's rather manipulative, you know, with her freaky blue eyes. Arwen got her some sunglasses, so she wouldn't weird out the general public. Legolas decided to shun the public, and stayed in his ship the entire few hours we spent before dinner.

While Merry was with Éowyn, picking out our new furniture, Sam and I went outside to check out our backyard. There wasn't much to see. You know, grass and bushes. Sam was depressed. He decided to make a floral shopping list. While he sat there, planning out his garden, I walked around to the front. Then, I froze. Big time mess up!

There were kids outside! Two of them! Maybe if I just slowly walked away….uh oh, not good. They saw me. I decided I'd better embrace my destiny and forget about the whole 'Fitting In' plan.

"Hello, I'm Jimmy." The boy said, "and this is my sister, Leslie. What's your name?"  
They thought I was a kid! Thank Eru I was wearing my shoes!

"I'm Nick." I said, shaking hands with Jimmy. He was rather short, with bushy black hair and glasses. He looked like, well, actually, the truth is, he looked like Harry Potter. But he wasn't. Cause Harry Potter isn't real. And now you're asking why I'm real and he isn't? Because…he's not and I am. Yup. The end. Anyway, Jimmy wasn't Harry Potter, he just looked like him. And his sister Leslie looked like…a pretty girl. There. But I didn't like her, cause I'm fifty-nine, and she's eleven. She liked Merry though. Which is weird too, cause he's…well…okay, so I forgot his age, but so what? That's not the point. The point is that I met our next-door-neighbors, and they thought I was a boy cause I was wearing shoes. Yeah, take that out of context. Moving right along….

Just then, Sam came around the bend. Without his shoes. Brilliant. A million kablillion brilliance points, Sam Gamgee!

"Hi Sam," I called, before he had a chance to embarress himself, "these are our new neighbors, Jimmy and Leslie!"

Sam's eyes grew big. I figured he was done for, but at that very moment, Leslie looked up.

"Hey, who's that guy dressed in green on your roof?"

Legolas. Brilliance again.

"Oh, he's no one, he's just the handyman." I lied. Sam took this opportunity to make himself scarce.

"Hey, where's your brother?" Jimmy asked when he noticed Sam's absence.  
"He might've gone to get his shoes on." I said.

"So how old are you, Nick?" Leslie asked.

Oh great. Just great.

"Er…guess." I said.

"Twelve?" Jimmy wondered.

"Uh, yes! Good guess! Now, how old do you think Sam is?"

Stretching my luck, but whatever.

"Well, he actually looks ten."  
Ten it is then. Sorry Sam.

"You're real smart, you know that? Yes, he's ten, he's just smart for his age." I supplied.

"So do you have any sisters?" Leslie replied hopefully.

"Well, not really. Sorry. There's just Me, Sam, and Murray. Oh, and Freddie, but he's the housekeeper's son."

Pippin was blond, there was no way around it. Éowyn was too, and I knew I had just signed my death warrant by saying she was the housekeeper, but these kids were pretty smart, and they weren't going to accept a random blond being in a family of black and brown-haired boys. Besides, I wasn't too keen on having Pippin for a younger brother. Sam and Merry were okay, but Pippin had some maturity problems, being thirty-three, and just entering into the hobbit version of puberty.

"So I suppose you'll be in middle-school, right?" Jimmy asked.

Uh…

"If that's where twelve-year-old boys go, then yes. " I said.

"Are you going to Tallwood?" he persisted.

"Is that where you go?"

"Uh-huh."

"Are you twelve?"

"Uh-huh."

"Well, I guess I'm going to go there too then."

"Yep, too bad Sam can't come. He'll have to go to elementary school." Leslie said.

"Elementary…yes, I suppose so." I remarked, officially clueless."

"How old is Murray?"

"He's…"

Right between Sam and I, duh! Which would be…

"Eleven."

Nice one. Oh well, just hope he looks it.

"Freddie's the youngest, so he'll probably go to Elementary School too."

"Well, let's hope they have a fun time." Jimmy said, "I'll save you a seat on the bus."

"The what?"

"The bus, you know, the school bus." Leslie finished.

I was at a loss. Dead meat, Frodo! My shoulder-sméagul was talking to me again.

_You baaaad hobbitses, precious. Must not admit to not knowing it! Never! Rather die! Fish!_

Fish? Oh boy, my evil Sméagul was crazy.

"I think I'd better go inside, it's probably time for dinner." I said.

They left, and I sighed with relief. I skibbled upstairs to where Pippin was trying to set fire to the curtains with his pipe.

"Pip, stop it!" I screamed.

"What? It needs to die." He replied.

Tomorrow, we go to school."

"School? Uh, no thanks." Pippin said.

"We have to go to school, Pippin, you look nine years old."  
"NO I DON'T!" He yelled, hitting my head with his pipe.

"I'm telling Strider on you!" I said.

"I'm not going to school!" He shrieked, sounding ridiculously like a nine-year-old, or maybe even an eight-year-old. I payed him no heed, for Merry had just arrived with the furniture. It was in a big van. We hobbits and the ladies went up to the ship while the guys took care of moving everything. We got bunk beds. It was weird, a bed on top of another one? Who ever heard of such a thing?

Sam insisted I take the top bunk, so if the bed fell down, he'd get killed instead of me. Wow. Nice visual, Sam. Pippin claimed the other top bunk, and left Merry to the bottom one. Not that he minded, for it came with a lot of little shelves to put stuff on.

We got a biiiiig table for the dining room, enough to fit twelve people, in case of guests. Strider started the conversations going.

"So, Frodo, how do you like the house?" he asked.

"It's okay." I replied.

"Did you see the backyard?"  
"Yeah, Sam made a flower seed list."

"Nice. Did you meet any of the neighbors?"

"Leslie and Jimmy, they live next door. They said we'll have to go to school." I finished, eyeing Pippin (who was finishing an overly buttered roll).

"Well, I suppose you do then." Strider said, "If you hobbits are going to pass off as real kids, you'll need to go to school."

"Well I'm not going!" Pippin affirmed.

"Then I'm sorry for you, Pippin." Strider said solemnly, "it's either that, or be found out. And once you're found out, you're taken away to the science labs. And once you're there…you'll be…dysected."

Pippin dropped his roll.

"What?"

"Yes, you heard me. Dissected."

"What does that word mean…exactly?" he whispered to Merry.

"Cut apart, disjoint, dismember, dissever, lay open, quarter, section, sever, slice, sunder, take apart--" Sam offered.

"Ahh!" Pippin screamed, spitting out his food, "I don't wanna be dissected! I don't wanna be dissected!"

"Then you'll go to school." Strider said simply.


	5. Chapter 4: The Hobbits go to School

Chapter Four: Surviving School

Well, we hobbits seemed in a deep fix here. School? How in Arda were we supposed to pass off as kids there? Besides, didn't you need some sort of registration forms? Well, Éowyn was pretty cunning about that. What? Oh yeah, I never told you about her hair, did I? Being blond, her hair looked pretty cut a bit below her waist, and dyed with red highlights. So that's what she did. Faramir wasn't so sure about it…and even Éomer had doubts. Merry said it looked superb, but who cares about him, eh?

So, back to the school matter. As you can imagine, us hobbits had a bit of a hard time going to sleep that night. Especially Pippin. Even when he did go to sleep, Merry and I distinctly heard him scream out "I don't wanna be dissected!" several times. Sam slept like a rock. Lucky.

That morning, we woke up to Pippin's wailings.

"I don't wanna be dissected!"

"Shut up!" Sam moaned, and threw a pillow up at him. Sam's a lousy shot, unfortunately.

"Why did Éowyn have to be so devious about registration forms?" I mumbled.

"What?" Pippin said, confused.

"Never mind." I muttered, climbing down the ladder.

At breakfast, Éowyn gave us a school prep-talk.

"Alright you hobbits, listen up. School is hard, school is demanding. But you know what? It can also be a lot of fun. At least, you'll be in a crowd, and will have lots of practice with your secret disguises. Just to let you know, your alias last name is Stone. You know, like in Gondor."

"Ha! I get it!" Merry shouted gleefully, apparently having too much fun.

"Except Pippin. Your last name is Cooper. Your names are on your backpacks. You carry them on your backs, like a knapsack. They are where you store your schoolbooks."

"Books? Oh bother!" Pippin muttered.

" You'll have quite a lot of them, and you'll most likely get back pains when you're older, but you'll just have to cope. The lunch boxes are where I stored your lunch. DO NOT eat the food in class! Eat it during LUNCHTIME, do you understand…Pippin?"

Pippin, who was eyeing his lunchbox dreamily, looked up.  
"Oh, er, yes."

"Good. These are your hats. We can't do much about your pointed ears until we can afford plastic surgery, so you'll have to wear these in the meantime."

I didn't know what plastic surgery was, but I didn't like the sound of it. Pippin felt it had something to do with being dissected, and bit back his cry. I was glad that my hair had covered my ears when I had met Jimmy and Leslie. I hadn't thought about it much before until now. We put on the hats, and stared up expectantly.

"Now, Freddie Cooper and Nick, Murray, and Sam Stone, get on your buses, " Éowyn continued, "You'll know when they arrive. They're big and yellow. Frodo and Merry's will say "Tallwood Middle School" on the side, and Pippin and Sam's will say "Walkerville Elementary School". Middle School comes first, then Elementary. Got that?"

"Yes Ma'am!" Merry said, giving a salute.

"Good, now be careful." Éowyn warned.

Right then, the Tallwood bus pulled up.

Pippin's face melted and Sam took a dive for my legs.

"I don't wanna be dissected!" The Took cried out miserably.

"Master Frodo, don't go!" Sam shouted, even more sorrowful. Éowyn pried Sam off my feet, and Merry and I grabbed our backpacks and lunches, heading out the door.

"NOOOO!"

SLAM!

"Well, that went well." Merry said cheerfully, climbing onto the bus. I sighed, and followed.

Jimmy had saved us a seat, a fact that I was most grateful for. The ride was rather long and bumpy, but not nearly as bumpy as some carts and carriages I've been on.

Well, the school was reached. I then realized what we were about to go through with. My knees started shaking, and it was all I could do to keep from moaning "Save me Elbereth!", like I knew Sam was probably doing at that same instant.

Luckily, Éowyn had convinced the school councilor that Merry was a genius who'd skipped kindergarten, so he was in my same grade, and in all my classes.

English class was first. We had to read a chapter of a book aloud, and then answer questions. Merry and I perked up when we realized that the book was called 'The Hobbit'! I looked at the first page, and I saw that it's full title was "The Hobbit, or There and Back Again, revised edition'.

Bilbo wrote that book! But...it said some guy with three first names wrote it instead. That was weird. Anyway, we proceeded to read. My turn next…

I took a deep breath, and began, savoring the moment greatly.

"_A number of elves came laughing and talking into the cellars and singing snatches of song. They had left a merry feast in one of the halls and were bent on returning as soon as they could._

'_Where's Galion, the butler?' said one. 'I haven't seen him at the tables tonight. He ought to be here now to show us what is to be done.'_

'_I shall be angry if the old slowcoach is late' said another. 'I have no wish to waste time down here while the song is up!'_

'_Ha ha!' came a cry. 'Here's the old villain with his head on a jug! He's been having a little feast all to himself and his friend, the captain.'_

Wait…he's drunk?" I said, out of my text. Crud. The teacher looked up.

"Why, yes Nick, I expect he is."

"B-but elves don't get drunk! It takes forever for the alcohol to affect them!"

"Oh, are you a scholar of elves, Nicky?"

Several kids started to giggle.

Great, just great. Why didn't I hold my tongue? What was Bilbo thinking, putting drunken elves into his book? Well, I'd never been to Mirkwood, so perhaps they got drunk there, but not in Rivendell, and definitely not in Lothlórien.

"I don't think kids should be reading about drunk elves anyway," I said, trying to shift the subject away from my knowledge of the Eldar "I mean, we're what? Twelve years old? That sort of thing isn't for young ears, if you catch my meaning."

Merry nodded hard, backing me up. Yay Merry! He was always my favorite cousin, you know. Jimmy slowly raised his hand.

"Yes Jimmy?" the teacher said.

"I think he's right." Jimmy said.

"Well, I think you are all old enough to understand the thematic elements of this story. The Hobbit is a classic tale-"

"Yes, I know, it's really cool, I've read it fifteen times," I acknowledged, "But my point is, perhaps we should let this book be left to the adult generation instead, since that was what the author intended."

"Oh Nick, do you have insight into the mind of Tolkien?"

"Uh…"

I wasn't about to say 'Who's Tolkien?' since his name was on the blasted book, so I was left to the classic answer.

"Yes." I said, proudly, hoping that they would take it as a spontaneous act of humor.

They did.

The whole class burst out laughing. I blushed up to my little hobbit hat, and buried my head into the lasting relic of the land of sanity that I had so recently left.

"Unfortunately, Nick, Tolkien specifically planned this book as a children's novel, and it was published as such."

_But he didn't write the stupid thing! Stupid teacher person, she doesn't know anything about any—_

"Well, my honest mistake then." I said, cutting off my Shoulder-Gollum's rant before he made matters worse.

The rest of the class continued as normal as it possibly could, and it was on to math.

Why hadn't I memorized my multiplying like a good little hobbit? It made me look really dumb, and I had an idea that I was going to fail the whole stinking course. Merry didn't even try to understand what the teacher was saying, he fell right to sleep, snoring very loudly.

Did I mention that mostly all hobbits snore? Sam worse than most, but Merry's snore was next worse on the snore-chart.

After a while, he was sent to the...the…the…

PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE!

I had a vague idea that they probably tortured poor innocent little disguised hobbits there…I tried not to think about that.

But it was hard.

Especially during science class.

I couldn't believe it! They gave us a frog, and asked us to dissect it!

I have bad memories of that frog, and I figure I was the only hobbit who truly knew the horrors of dissection.

During art, I drew a picture of Merry riding an eagle. My teacher complimented the use of literature in visual paint. Whatever that means…

At lunchtime, Merry came back!

Yay Merry!

We did a happy dance, and set right to work eating.

Éowyn hadn't packed us very much. Darn. It was this packet of crackers, cheese, and meat, with a little fruity tasting thing. It was called a Lunchable. Hobbits shouldn't eat them. Coming from a race that can eat four slices of lembas bread before getting full, that's not that much food. At any rate, it was better than Éowyn's cooking. No offence to her, she just needs some practice is all.

Gym class came next. Bad idea, I mean, who puts a gym class after people have just eaten? Cramp city!

Hobbits can't run very fast. Some say it's because we're fat, others say it's because our legs are real short. I'm not that fat, but my legs _are _kinda short. So when we had to run laps around the gym, I about died.

Merry said I had asthma, and I excused myself to go to the school nurse. Unfortunately, she was only at school every other day. That day wasn't today. She was gone.

I went to the bathroom instead, locking myself in a stall, and taking my gym socks and sneakers off, and brushing the hair on my feet with a special comb I save for that very occasion.

I love my feet-comb.

After that, Merry told me about what the Principal's office was really like. It was a room with white walls with a pretend tree in the corner. There was a desk at one end of the room (where the principal sat and called Arwen) and a little chair at the other end. There was a small smiley-face sticker on the wall. Merry had a staring contest with it.

The sticker won. Surprised?

Well, history class was rather confusing, and Spanish…well, that's pretty much a lost cause. I can't speak Spanish to this day, and, to tell you the truth, I don't think the other kids can either.

After that, we had Study Hall, where everyone played a game called Bingo. I once knew a hobbit named Bingo Bolger. But that's beside the point.

Finally, it was OVER!

On the bus ride home, I wondered how Pippin and Sam had fared at Walkerville….I suppose I'll tell you in the next chapter.


	6. Chapter 5: The Hobbits Have a Fight

Chapter Five

The moment we got home, I could tell Arwen wasn't happy about Merry's escapade at school. And I could tell that Sam and Pippin knew about it also. Maybe it was because of the way Pippin smiled horrifically and taunted poor Merry about it.

"You got in trouble! Fool of a Brandybuck!" Pippin said, mimicking Gandalf.

"Speak for yourself," Sam cut in, "He just fell asleep, you almost blew up the whole city!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"What? He almost blew up the city?" I asked in disbelief.

"Now this I gotta hear." Merry added.

"Alright," Sam began, "we got through the day unscathed until recess."  
"Recess? What's that?" Merry asked.

"It's a time where you go outside and play." Sam replied.

"Hey Frodo, why don't we get recess?"

"Because we're…older. And there's no more room in the school ground, it's covered by trailers."

"Oh. Continue Sam"

"Well, said Took went behind a pile of sand and started to smoke Old Toby!"

"What? Oh Pippin, you evil cruel taunter of those who have no pipeweed!"

"Merry, that's not the point!" I corrected, "He smoked in a school! A school filled with little kids!"

"As you can imagine," Sam continued, "they found him out because of the little puffs of smoke that were so OBVIOUSLY visible, and he got sent to---"

"Don't tell me, the Principal's Office!" Merry shouted.

"Yeah. Once there, the Principal had a long talk with him about how bad smoking is, and how it ruins your lungs and gives you a disease that makes you body organs shut down, one by one. And he mentioned that since there was a nuclear power plant next door, he could have blown up the city. Oh yes, a nuclear power plant is where they make bombs and exploding things. If it had caught on fire, the whole city would have blown up! And we'd all be dead. Especially Pippin."

"Yeah, well you don't have to rub it in!" Pippin mused.

Merry was already on the ground, bowled over with laughter.

"Heeheehee! First day of school and you nearly blew it up! That's powerful stuff right there! Oh Valar, you need some therapy!"

"Shut up!" Pippin yelled, throwing Sam's backpack at Merry (or at least trying too).

"What's in that, Sam?" I asked, intrigued by its heaviness.

"Books. We have a school library, and I picked up some books full of useful information about this day and age."  
"Didn't you get homework?"

"Yep. I did it on the bus." Sam announced proudly.

Merry scooted out of the room to find Éowyn and enlist her aid with his multiplication. I did my homework over dinner. Pippin's mysteriously disappeared. Sam says he ate it, but I wasn't too sure.

Merry and Pippin were sent upstairs before dessert as punishment for their actions that day. Pippin also had his stash taken away from him. I went upstairs early too. All that work had taken its toll on my poor hobbit self, and I needed some rest. Downstairs, I could hear the others celebrating Faramir's acceptance into the U.S. Navy. Again, Éowyn with her loopholes had triumphed. It kinda scares me, actually, how she can get us into all sorts of stuff without being found out. She's a real fine woman, she is.

Pippin turned and looked at me, grinned, and pulled out some more pipeweed. This time, it was Longbottom Leaf.

"Pippin, where did you get that?" I sighed.

"Who are you kidding? I always carry around some extra, just in case manipulative ex-elves decide to take my alternate stash away."

"Okay, so how much pipeweed do you have, exactly?" I asked, afraid of the answer.

"A lot." he said carelessly, taking out a pipe. I promptly swapped it from him and threw it out the window.

"Hey, what are you doing!" he shouted.

"Arwen said no smoking, Pip." I stated.

"Well she's not the boss of me! She's just Arwen! I've been smoking pipeweed for years on end, and I'm not stopping now!"

"Well I am." I said, "It's addictive, and dangerous. You'll shut down and die!"

"No I won't!" he persisted, and began to rant and punch his pillow. I yawned and tried to sleep. Soon, Merry sat up, annoyed.

"Pippin, stop that racket, you'll get us in more trouble!" he said, kicking the top of the bed.

"No I won't!"

"Yes you will, you always get us in trouble!"

"No I don't!"

"Yes you do, you know you do!"

"Shut up! You're stupid!" Pippin screamed.

"Got any better comebacks?"

"What's a comeback?"

"It's what you say when someone else says something to make you feel like saying something back." Sam announced, opening the door and making a grand entrance.

"Oh, and since when did you get so smart?" Pippin asked haughtily, "you're just a dumb old gardener!"

"Hey! Anyone who uses the words old, dumb, and gardener in the same sentence is illiterate in the ways of life! Without gardeners, there would be no gardens, no beautiful flower habitats full of love and laughter! I tell you, if the world were a garden, you would be a weed!"

"What? You're going down, Gamgee!" Pippin yelled, and promptly jumped from the top bunk…onto Sam's head. He then proceeded to beat up poor Sam until Merry and I separated them.

"You're dead orc, dumb old gardener!" Pippin breathed through clenched teeth, acting more and more like a bipolar freakazoid. I mean, heh heh, like Gollum.

"Pippin, calm down," Merry whispered, "You'll get us in trouble!"

"Trouble? I'll kick his fat ol'"

"Sh!" I cut in, before the content of the fanfiction got pushed up to a higher rating, "Arwen's coming!"

We all scrambled into our beds, went under the covers, and squeezed our eyes shut right as the door opened.

"Nice try, hobbits." Arwen said with a sly smile.

"It was Pippin!" all three of us good little hobbits burst out at the same time.

"No it wasn't." Pippin mumbled, still under his covers.

"Indeed, so what was all the banging about?" she asked us.

"That was Pippin. He jumped on Sam's head." Merry said nonchalantly.

"He called me a weed." Pippin muttered through his pillow.

"A what?"

"A WEED!" he burst out, surfacing from the sanctuary of his bedcovers.

"A weed, eh?" Arwen said, hardly able to surpass a chuckle.

"I hate this place! I wanna go home!" Pippin moaned, collapsing back into his previous state of face-in-pillowness.

"Oh, I know Pippin, we all do." She said soothingly, "but we can't exactly do that…right…now."

"We can't exactly do that ever! We'll be stuck here forever and a day, and I'll never see dear Rosie again!" Sam protested.

"Oh who cares about dear Rosie?" Merry muttered, " I just want to sleep in a hobbit hole again."

"And smoke!" Pippin breathed.

"And go overseas to Valinor…" I said.

"I wanted to have kids!" Sam continued, seemingly unaware that any of us had spoken "Lots of kids! Named after everyone! Even Pippin!"

Everyone fell silent.

Sam had finally cracked.

"Well, okay, I'm fine with having a 'Pippin jr.' around." Pippin said, peeking to look down at Sam (you must remember that Pippin slept on the top bunk), I'm sorry I called you dumb, fat, and old. Acquaintances again?"

"Alright." Sam moaned, evidently more love-sick than home-sick.

"Don't worry, we'll be home in no time." Arwen reassured us, "if Gandalf was smart enough to get us here, he's smart enough to get us out. And my father will be there to help him.  
"Yay! Lord Elrond will save us!" I cheered brightly.

"Yeah…Lord Elrond will save us." Merry muttered sarcastically.

"What was that?"  
"Nothing, Queen Evenstar." Merry answered innocently.  
"Okay then. Good night, have fun at school tomorrow!" Arwen said, leaving the room.  
"Whoopee." I sighed.

This 'Fitting In' stuff was not going very well.

Author's edit: Next up I'll have a scene with Gandalf and Elrond and what's happening on their end. Remember, they have to figure out how to get the characters back, and cover for them while they're gone. Ooh, this should be interesting….


	7. Chapter 6: Chaos in Middle Earth

To make our story more appealing to the reader, it is necessary that I take a few steps back in our storyline and reveal what happened to the others in Middle-Earth when we left. Let's see….

White light, white light, GAH, and all that, er…

Zap!!!!!!

All of a sudden, we all disappeared, and Gandalf looked about him.

"It worked! My time experiment has succeeded! They're…gone. Uh-oh…."

At that precise moment when Gandalf realized what exactly he had done, Elrond walked into the room. Really bad timing and all that, but it wasn't his fault.

"Gandalf, have you any idea where Arwen is? I've been needing to talk to her, and..."

He trailed off as he saw the horrified look on Gandalf's face.

"Gandalf…what did you do?" He asked, praying it didn't involve his daughter in any possible way, yet knowing inwardly that, if irony existed at all, it did.

"Oh, uh, well, I was doing a bit of an experiment with the time-space continuem, and , uh---"

"The WHAT?!"

"A time experiment! And it sort of…well…I'm sure they are all completely fine and you have nothing to worry about. You see, I accidently sent them into a…er…timish little thingamabob…."

"you did WHAT?! To WHO?!"

"I sent your daughter into the future. But don't worry, she's with Galadriel and Aragorn, so she'll be fine."

You'd think Elrond would have had another outburst, but considering he'd already had two, he didn't really have anything else to do but give Gandalf the _Icy Glare of Death_. Lord Elrond was the master of that look. It makes you look about eight inches shorter than your real size, and considering how short us hobbits are already…oh, but Gandalf wasn't a hobbit. He was a wizard. But he was still shorter than Elrond, so the glare worked. Complete silence reigned for a total minute, then Elrond spoke.

"What part of 'With Galadriel and Aragorn' computes into your brain as 'fine', Mithrandir?" Elrond asked coldly, trying to keep a level tone.

"Oh, well…."

"Don't answer that," Elrond yelled, "just get my daughter back here before I-"

"Here's the thing," Gandalf began, but he got no further because the doors opened and Gimli the dwarf walked in looking for Legolas. Gandalf wouldn't have gotten far anyway, Elrond looked just about ready to pound the wizard's head in.

"Has anyone seen Legolas?" Gimli asked. Elrond glared at Gandalf murderously, and Gandalf spoke.

"He's…er…unavailable right now." Gandalf said, sounding like a voicemail or something. I mean…yeah…

"Don't tell me you sent HIM along too!" Elrond cried.

"Well, sort of…"

"How many people did you send?!" Elrond pressed.

"Oh, well, there's Arwen and Galadriel and Aragorn and Legolas—"

"Yes, we know THAT!" Elrond cut in.

"And Éowyn and Faramir and Éomer and Frodo and Sam and Merry and Pippin. Yep. That's about it." Gandalf finished.

If Elrond had been a lesser elf he would have fainted. The complete shock of his only daughter being sent into who-knows-where without his supervision was bad enough, but us poor hobbits…well, alright, so he probably wasn't that upset about Merry and Pippin, but I was the ringbearer, and thus, was important. As it was, there was now no king of Gondor or Rohan, nor a steward or his wife, nor a Lady of Lorien…need I go on? This was an awkward position for Gandalf to be in, for, as you've probably guessed, he had no earthly idea how to send us back. Typical, really.

Elrond took a deep breath and then spoke to Gandalf.

"You do realize the extremity of what you've done? You are going to have to explain to the citizens of Gondor and Rohan what happened to their rulers And, of course, you'll have to tell Celeborn about Galadriel."

Gandalf's eyes widened.

"Well, howsabout I tell the people of Gondor and Rohan about their kings, and _you_ tell Celeborn about Galadriel."

"Why me?" Elrond said with a sly smile, "What do I have to do with this?"

"He…knows you better!"

All this time, Gimli had been standing there, calculating in his head precisely what Gandalf had done. Or at least trying to.

"So you sent Legolas and a whole bunch of public figures into the future?" he asked finally, almost not believing it.

"Yes…"

"Well, just send them back!"

"It doesn't quite work that way." Gandalf protested.

"He's trying to say that he has no idea how to do it!" Elrond cut in.

"I do have an idea, it's just….I…need to know exactly where in time they've landed so I can reverse the formula and all that. Perhaps they got lucky and landed in a time with miraculous inventions, and they can get themselves back."

"I highly doubt that!" Elrond shouted.

"What will we tell the people?" Gimli asked.

"The truth, of course!"

"No, we can't!" Gandalf cried, "We can't just walk up to the citizens of Gondor and say 'oh, I'm terribly sorry, but your king and queen and steward have been zapped into the future and we don't know how to get them back'! It would cause mass panic!"

"As well it should." Elrond mused.

"So…we're going to lie?" Gimli pressed.

"Yes!" Gandalf decided, "We'll say that they went to the Bay of Belfalas for a swim, but got captured by pirates!"

"They're never going to buy that!" Elrond scoffed.

"Well, almighty Elf Lord, have you any better ideas?"

"Yes. Just simply pretend we don't know anything about it. The disappearance baffles us. No one but us three knows what really happened, so if we pretend we don't know either—"

"But that's bound to cause more mass panic than telling the truth!" Gandalf cried.

"I say we tell them that they've all found magic rings that made them invisible. But the rings got stuck on their fingers, so they can't get them off." Gimli suggested.

"No, how about they fell down some diggings deep in the palace dungeons?" Gandalf countered.

"And what were they doing there? No, I say the Valar graced them with a look at the divine and so they'll be detained from everyday life for a while." Gimli said.

"Highly improbable. It would be more likely that one of the blue wizards became evil and decided to come back and wreak havoc on Middle-Earth by depriving it of its leaders."

"That's preposterous, the lot of it!" Elrond finally said, "Don't you see what needs to be done? One of us has to go into the future, year by year, until we find them."

"Or we could let Gandalf try his magic incantation for every year into the future instead." Gimli said.

"No, it would end up bringing back all sorts of creatures with it." Gandalf shuddered, "No, no. The only way is if we send someone to a different year each day, then we send them back in the evening, and they say if they've found anything or not."

"But the person would have to brave terrible dangers and witness all sorts of horrific future events!" Gimli gasped, "They would be scarred for life!"

"Send me." Elrond sighed, "I have forsight, so I know how to deal with knowing horrific future events, and as for braving terrible dangers, well, I fought many battles in my time, you know. You'll have to make do with the pirate excuse, it's the most logical one out there, even if it is ridiculous."

"What are we to tell your sons?" Gandalf asked.

"I'm on the pirates' tale with a boatload of sailors. I don't know, be creative." Elrond said, "I have to go pack, I'll be back in about an hour."

As the Elf Lord left, Gimli raised his eyebrows.

"Wow. He's got pluck, that one. For an elven lord, that is."


End file.
